friday/saturday: was at work, nothing much happening, went to a birthday party of a friend of mine and ate something wrong, stomach hurt bad all night till i was hanging on my toilet and vomitted all out of me. went to bed with a still hurting stomach and overslept, came late to work and my throat was hurting badly, could hardly speak...

then there was the girl who i dreamed of at work...and as i didnt knew it already it was only about that she needed my help with something...i feel like i idiot that i even thinked about it in any other way...that i let the spark of hope glim up and that i didnt shot it down the instant i felt it...its always the same...im so a idiot and hate myself for it...had a hard time pushing away some thoughts about ending that misery right then but as always my thinking of running away isnt a solution won

today:
the girl had duty again and i talked some time with her. it felt hard to keep my thoughts drifting away to the dream from time to time...im such a idiot...shes so near to my "image" of a beautiful women that it cant ever happen. but then came the hard part. her boyfriend told her in the morning that he cheated on her and i felt my anger and hate rising rapidly again...i dont know why hearing of women that have been mistreated does this to me but im always at the edge of errupting if i hear such storys...and i already nearly freaked out at xmas time as i heard 3 quite hard storys(rape/stalking and threatening to kill/sexuell harassment) and that story today brought it all up again...i just wanna go and mistreat that assholes that do such things...paying them back with their currency...till they die..but it should be a slow death so that they can think about what they did to the others...over and over again...just to set a mark for all other assholes out there. i know its not the right way but my thoughts are filled with how i pay them back...make them bleed...after spending nearly two hours with her talking i couldnt stand it anymore...i went into the cellar of my work and started bashing at the old stone walls. my knuckles hurt a bit atm but at least i dont wanna go out hunting anymore...i hate the world that let such things happen.........

enough for today or ill get into it again which i should better avoid

well its getting weirder...not that only that i dont realy get the dream out of my head, the dream which i told about last time...no...got a call from work today while i was asleep. as i called back about 2 hours later i was told they dont know what was wanted from me but that the girl i dreamed about was on duty...someone talking about spooky moments eh?

the rest of my day was mostly uneventfull. was playing computer most of the day(warhammer mark of chaos and sims 2) and cleaned a few more of my miniatures for repainting

while im writing this im watching a bit mtv and im seeing the video of fergie - fergalicious the first time...someone deeply took a look into missy elliot videos here ;) but well, BEP always had flashy videos

argh...scissor sistors *searches for remote panically*...some things you cant hear that much :P

last week was...well...troublsome...ill post more about it maybe later cause i feel still bit uneasy about posting here

i had a weird dream tonight...weird cause i cant remember i ever had such a dream before...
it was a kind of romantic dream. dont understand me wrong, i dont mean wet/sex dreams, im having that kind from time to time...but this was different, way different
it was only about spending time with a girl, talking, snuggling, kissing...but theres something that realy worries me about it:
-) shes from work
-) i know her boyfriend
-) i cant believe it
-) i have a good chance of seeing her tonight which will be very very difficult i fear...

was visiting some friends cause our weekly rpg round was canceld. somehow i felt odd about it. i didnt realy wanted going there but i did it and dont know why

it was as i somehow expected, was rather boring altough they were friends which i dont call much people and i like beeing in their presence normaly

we talked about some minor things, remembered odd situations and joked about it

cant tell much more cause i was mostly absent minded, thinking about some things that trouble me. a new year is coming and nothing changed...im still that fat misfit i am...im still fealing more accepted than liked by most people and altough i, somewhere in my mind, know that some people realy like me i cant accept it...im a nobody, a nemo...not worth of mentioning and somehow not worth of beeing here...i saw people die that earned it more then me. people that were someone worth to mention and remember because of what they did, people that werent exchangable that i am, people that left holes when they died

im also feeling lonely, more and more lonely every day. there are people out there that tell me that its normal to some degree...people that tell me beeing 26 and still a virgin isnt abnormal...but it is...it is for me...i never felt realy beeing loved, i never realy had that feeling that there is someone who deeply cared for me, except once. in the only relationship i ever had and that went bad because altough we were and still are friends we didnt talk about important things and in the end it sometimes feels like it was more a shared apartment, that we lived beside each other instead of with each other. i still love you jenny and i wish you only the best.
i crave for beeing held in the arms of a girl that tells me she loves me...but with every day i live the hope that this will ever happen shrinks...till its gone and i fear what i will do then...i dont fear for me cause i dont realy care about me...but i fear for the people around me...what i could do to them because i turn mad

there are people out there that i deeply feel for, people i would give my live for cause they deserve it, people that i simply love and adore and would do anything for. but the last girls i got to know that raised feelings in me never knew of it...and i dont think i will ever tell...the only thing ill get will be disgust or "i dont want to ruin our friendship"...i dont think i realy would stand that another time...it hurts, it hurted every time more and more that i heard that, that i saw their reactions towards me

again im at a point where others would maybe commit suicide. i thought and still think often of it but for me thats not a way. its only running away and theres no honor in it. if i would die in an accident, going out from home to work and getting hit by a car or such that would be something i somehow wait for, thats an accident, that are things that happen...and it wouldnt matter...but i would like to at least die for something that its worth dying for, defending someone i love or something simmilar...so i would have at least done something good...and in the end it still wouldnt matter, im gone, noone will shed a tear...

rethought and corrected 14.01.07 thanks jenny for pointing out which idiot i am ;)

So, dann bin ich also auch hier gelandet. Vielen Dank hier erstmals an meine Freundin Cloudya die mich hier her gebracht hat. Mal sehen wie sehr ich mich hier gehen lassen kann. Gibt doch so einige Sachen die ich bisher von meiner Umwelt versteckt habe....