friday/saturday: was at work, nothing much happening, went to a birthday party of a friend of mine and ate something wrong, stomach hurt bad all night till i was hanging on my toilet and vomitted all out of me. went to bed with a still hurting stomach and overslept, came late to work and my throat was hurting badly, could hardly speak...

then there was the girl who i dreamed of at work...and as i didnt knew it already it was only about that she needed my help with something...i feel like i idiot that i even thinked about it in any other way...that i let the spark of hope glim up and that i didnt shot it down the instant i felt it...its always the same...im so a idiot and hate myself for it...had a hard time pushing away some thoughts about ending that misery right then but as always my thinking of running away isnt a solution won

today:
the girl had duty again and i talked some time with her. it felt hard to keep my thoughts drifting away to the dream from time to time...im such a idiot...shes so near to my "image" of a beautiful women that it cant ever happen. but then came the hard part. her boyfriend told her in the morning that he cheated on her and i felt my anger and hate rising rapidly again...i dont know why hearing of women that have been mistreated does this to me but im always at the edge of errupting if i hear such storys...and i already nearly freaked out at xmas time as i heard 3 quite hard storys(rape/stalking and threatening to kill/sexuell harassment) and that story today brought it all up again...i just wanna go and mistreat that assholes that do such things...paying them back with their currency...till they die..but it should be a slow death so that they can think about what they did to the others...over and over again...just to set a mark for all other assholes out there. i know its not the right way but my thoughts are filled with how i pay them back...make them bleed...after spending nearly two hours with her talking i couldnt stand it anymore...i went into the cellar of my work and started bashing at the old stone walls. my knuckles hurt a bit atm but at least i dont wanna go out hunting anymore...i hate the world that let such things happen.........

enough for today or ill get into it again which i should better avoid