friday/saturday: was at work, nothing much happening, went to a birthday party of a friend of mine and ate something wrong, stomach hurt bad all night till i was hanging on my toilet and vomitted all out of me. went to bed with a still hurting stomach and overslept, came late to work and my throat was hurting badly, could hardly speak...

then there was the girl who i dreamed of at work...and as i didnt knew it already it was only about that she needed my help with something...i feel like i idiot that i even thinked about it in any other way...that i let the spark of hope glim up and that i didnt shot it down the instant i felt it...its always the same...im so a idiot and hate myself for it...had a hard time pushing away some thoughts about ending that misery right then but as always my thinking of running away isnt a solution won

today:
the girl had duty again and i talked some time with her. it felt hard to keep my thoughts drifting away to the dream from time to time...im such a idiot...shes so near to my "image" of a beautiful women that it cant ever happen. but then came the hard part. her boyfriend told her in the morning that he cheated on her and i felt my anger and hate rising rapidly again...i dont know why hearing of women that have been mistreated does this to me but im always at the edge of errupting if i hear such storys...and i already nearly freaked out at xmas time as i heard 3 quite hard storys(rape/stalking and threatening to kill/sexuell harassment) and that story today brought it all up again...i just wanna go and mistreat that assholes that do such things...paying them back with their currency...till they die..but it should be a slow death so that they can think about what they did to the others...over and over again...just to set a mark for all other assholes out there. i know its not the right way but my thoughts are filled with how i pay them back...make them bleed...after spending nearly two hours with her talking i couldnt stand it anymore...i went into the cellar of my work and started bashing at the old stone walls. my knuckles hurt a bit atm but at least i dont wanna go out hunting anymore...i hate the world that let such things happen.........

enough for today or ill get into it again which i should better avoid

well its getting weirder...not that only that i dont realy get the dream out of my head, the dream which i told about last time...no...got a call from work today while i was asleep. as i called back about 2 hours later i was told they dont know what was wanted from me but that the girl i dreamed about was on duty...someone talking about spooky moments eh?

the rest of my day was mostly uneventfull. was playing computer most of the day(warhammer mark of chaos and sims 2) and cleaned a few more of my miniatures for repainting

while im writing this im watching a bit mtv and im seeing the video of fergie - fergalicious the first time...someone deeply took a look into missy elliot videos here ;) but well, BEP always had flashy videos

argh...scissor sistors *searches for remote panically*...some things you cant hear that much :P

last week was...well...troublsome...ill post more about it maybe later cause i feel still bit uneasy about posting here

i had a weird dream tonight...weird cause i cant remember i ever had such a dream before...
it was a kind of romantic dream. dont understand me wrong, i dont mean wet/sex dreams, im having that kind from time to time...but this was different, way different
it was only about spending time with a girl, talking, snuggling, kissing...but theres something that realy worries me about it:
-) shes from work
-) i know her boyfriend
-) i cant believe it
-) i have a good chance of seeing her tonight which will be very very difficult i fear...

So, dann bin ich also auch hier gelandet. Vielen Dank hier erstmals an meine Freundin Cloudya die mich hier her gebracht hat. Mal sehen wie sehr ich mich hier gehen lassen kann. Gibt doch so einige Sachen die ich bisher von meiner Umwelt versteckt habe....