was visiting some friends cause our weekly rpg round was canceld. somehow i felt odd about it. i didnt realy wanted going there but i did it and dont know why

it was as i somehow expected, was rather boring altough they were friends which i dont call much people and i like beeing in their presence normaly

we talked about some minor things, remembered odd situations and joked about it

cant tell much more cause i was mostly absent minded, thinking about some things that trouble me. a new year is coming and nothing changed...im still that fat misfit i am...im still fealing more accepted than liked by most people and altough i, somewhere in my mind, know that some people realy like me i cant accept it...im a nobody, a nemo...not worth of mentioning and somehow not worth of beeing here...i saw people die that earned it more then me. people that were someone worth to mention and remember because of what they did, people that werent exchangable that i am, people that left holes when they died

im also feeling lonely, more and more lonely every day. there are people out there that tell me that its normal to some degree...people that tell me beeing 26 and still a virgin isnt abnormal...but it is...it is for me...i never felt realy beeing loved, i never realy had that feeling that there is someone who deeply cared for me, except once. in the only relationship i ever had and that went bad because altough we were and still are friends we didnt talk about important things and in the end it sometimes feels like it was more a shared apartment, that we lived beside each other instead of with each other. i still love you jenny and i wish you only the best.
i crave for beeing held in the arms of a girl that tells me she loves me...but with every day i live the hope that this will ever happen shrinks...till its gone and i fear what i will do then...i dont fear for me cause i dont realy care about me...but i fear for the people around me...what i could do to them because i turn mad

there are people out there that i deeply feel for, people i would give my live for cause they deserve it, people that i simply love and adore and would do anything for. but the last girls i got to know that raised feelings in me never knew of it...and i dont think i will ever tell...the only thing ill get will be disgust or "i dont want to ruin our friendship"...i dont think i realy would stand that another time...it hurts, it hurted every time more and more that i heard that, that i saw their reactions towards me

again im at a point where others would maybe commit suicide. i thought and still think often of it but for me thats not a way. its only running away and theres no honor in it. if i would die in an accident, going out from home to work and getting hit by a car or such that would be something i somehow wait for, thats an accident, that are things that happen...and it wouldnt matter...but i would like to at least die for something that its worth dying for, defending someone i love or something simmilar...so i would have at least done something good...and in the end it still wouldnt matter, im gone, noone will shed a tear...

rethought and corrected 14.01.07 thanks jenny for pointing out which idiot i am ;)